Where Have I Been?

Well, there are two answers to that question.

1)  I've been right here, silly. Crazy fool. :P

2)  I've been right here. Silly...crazy...fool.

Does that clear it up at all? Figured it wouldn't. Well, I've been here, lurking, watching, just hanging out. I've been quietly following tweets, watching Facebook, and reading blogs.

But I haven't really been participating. I've hidden inside my shell, just peeking out. Because as much as I can recognize the beauty in others, and as much as I can see the worth in you, there's one place that I still can't see it.

The mirror.

I just can't see it in myself. I've never been one to call attention to myself, and lately, it's gotten worse. I see the popular ones, the golden people, and it feels like they are getting louder and louder. Shrinking away is the only thing I feel comfortable doing.

I'm not saying this to fish for compliments, or to ask you to validate me. I'm not asking you to say I'm wonderful, or special, or that I do deserve to be a part of the crowd.

That wouldn't help anyway. I appreciate it. I love you for it. But I have to feel it. I have to accept it. And that is a shitload easier said than done. You know that. You've probably been there too. It's all in the reaction. Because face it, that is the only thing that you have 100% control over. You rely on the moving parts and behaviors of others for everything else. What goes on inside your head, inside your heart; that's the only thing you own completely.

How do you react to situations? Annoyed, irritated, angry, frustrated. Fearful, desolate, sad. Avoidance.

So, that takes us back to yesterday's take away. Remember it? FEEL GOOD ANYWAY.

Someone posts something you don't like? FEEL GOOD ANYWAY. Your book gets ripped to shreds in a scathing review? FEEL GOOD ANYWAY.  Everyone else gets noticed, and you're still standing alone? FEEL GOOD ANYWAY.

How do you react to situations? Happy, believing, caring, hopeful. Inspired, supportive. Acceptance.

Because you're not alone. It just feels that way sometimes. Let's do it together. The uphill battles are easier to manage if we work as a team. Are you in? Because I am. It's time.

The glass, she is full.


~xxx~

I Still Do

Dear Spouse,

I know I joke about trading you in, about still taking you for a test drive, about hanging on to you until something better comes along.


The funny thing about that joke? It's on me. There is nothing better. I know that, and I knew that way back then. You are the better. The one that makes me better. Try harder. Makes me want to be what you think I can be. When that bar is sometimes seems too high for me to even think about reaching is when you put me on your shoulders, making me twenty feet tall, ready to steal the world if it won't come quietly.


So, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad, I still do.


~xxx~

Three for Four

Saturday was a great day around Casa Xanakas. Well, parts of it were, anyway. The hauling and distributing of a truckload of mulch for a friend wasn't exactly fun, but it felt good. But visiting the monstrous home improvement store was fun. I love my new cordless drill, and I captured a plot bunny that hopped on by me, his orange apron flapping in the breeze.

What made Saturday special was getting the email that Snakeskin Boots was accepted. My wereboa will see the light of day. 

After seven long, arduous, crazy-making weeks, getting that email felt like ripping a gorilla off my back. I had gotten to the point where checking my email was an emotional roller coaster - anticipation, trepidation, realization, and all kinds of other -ations, before depression and anger kicked in. Why, oh why, wouldn't they just freaking tell me already! I couldn't write anything else while I waited. It zapped my creative energy down to zero, while amping my nerves up to 11. Maybe now my spider monkey will finish telling me his story, and my pantsless writer will hook up with the model that was making eyes at him.

But do you know what made my acceptance even better? Hearing that two other manuscripts from my little writing group were accepted the same day. I was Snoopy dancing for everyone Saturday night. 

My friend Lissa has a great story that will be out in the fall. You guys are going to love Seiran. I can't wait for the world to meet him.

Piper Vaughn and M.J. O'Shea collaborated on a novel that will be out this fall, too. Shane will push his Luck, and break your heart in the process. 

So, while I am thrilled and excited for my own good fortune, I am over the Moon(light) for Lissa, Piper, and M.J. And, all three of them will be at the GayRomLit Retreat in New Orleans. Make sure to say hi to them. And yes, they're WINNING!

~xxx~

WINNING! is

... all those heroes on the ground, taking charge during tragedies. Organizing their small groups, pulling in those they can reach, and providing whatever support they can to those who need it. Whether that support is food and water, shelter, first aid, or just a smile and reassuring touch to say "Yes, I see you. You're still here."

... all those heroes the press is going to root out for us. The ones they're going to introduce us to, the ones they're going to put up as examples of the human spirit persevering.

... all the others the press will never find, that we'll never get to know. The ones stepping up to do what needs to be done, then going about their lives as if they did nothing special. We know differently, but we'll never get to tell them how much they mattered during these hours.

... all the lives that will be saved, all the people that will come out the other side of this to say "We made it." Every person recovered to be around tomorrow, next week, next year.

... a celebration of the lives of those who were less fortunate. An remembrance that they actually lived, of the things they accomplished, and of the lives they touched. A sharing of the love they held, and continuing to pass it on to those you meet.

... no longer a cheap potshot at people too consumed with themselves to realize the world is a big place, full of amazing humans, every one of them with something special to offer, if only we're open enough to accept it.

Pass the WINNING! on.

~xxx~