Friday, February 24, 2012

F*ck Off Friday - Guest F*cker Summer Michaels

Howdy, Summer. Come on in and take a load off. Let me pour you some iced tea and we'll dish...


Fuck Off Food Network…

Recently, I have been wanting to spice up my dinner meals. My kids grow tired of the same types of food week after week. Honest to goodness I have been burning my evenings meat so bad that my five year old piped up last night and said, "You know who likes burnt meat? Mom! She burns it all the time."

So I started watching the Food Network. I have several DVD's of Paula Deen, I thought…Hey! I can cook like her. I have that southern "Hey y'all" draw. I can do this!

(These are like the set I bought, but mine have red handles.)
Um, yeah not so much. I went out and bought the knives all the Food Network chefs seem to have. You know the ones, with the cool colors and seem to cut your veggies without effort?   So I open my new shiny knife set. I sliced the palm of my hand open. I was NOT going to let this set me back. Nope! I am going to cool like Paula, dang it!

I wanted to cook ribs on the grill, but I wanted my meat to boil in beer to give it that added flavor. I pre-cook the ribs on Saturday and let them sit until Monday night. OH they smelled great! I was so damn proud of myself. I lit the grill (alright, you caught me, my neighbor did. I'm so afraid I will blow up if I start a grill). I let it warm up before putting my ribs on the sizzling cast iron. The smells coming from that grill was mouthwatering!

I go and turn them once and go back inside to check on my skillet corn. It was shaping up nicely! The broccoli and cheese casserole were about finished, so I started making sweet tea. Such a great southern food menu. I was still proud as a peacock, strutting my stuff around the kitchen.

So I plate up all my plates (six total) and go out to get the ribs. In the back of my mind, I notice the smoke now rolling from the grill. I was hoping and praying it meant good things. Sadly, I once again this week burned my dinner meat. To be honest, I didn't just burn it, I torched those suckers!

I was so disheartened. The ribs I spent two days working on were now ash. I thought about saying a prayer, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, don't leave the ribs unattended that's a must."

Somewhere in a kitchen across America, Paula Deen is shaking her head at me. You know what I say? Fuck off Food Network! It's your damn fault for showing me and countless others the many different menu's we could create in thirty minutes or less, on a shoestring budget,  or fix it quick meals.  One day my kids are going to be excited about a meal I prepare. One day Food Network, one day!


I have to say I agree with you Summer. They make it look so easy. "Oh, you're going to chop it just like this, and then you'll put it in the pan...."

A box of gauze pads, a roll of duct tape, and a tube of neospirn later, we may have something that resembles road kill.

Make sure to visit Summer at her blog. 



  1. Awww! Poor Summer!!! You can do it!

    You know, I've seen a recipe for beer butt chicken. Hee. Is it bad that I'm imagining all the terrible things you could do? I mean, you could probably get that sucker to explode with your luck!!